


Noises After Dark

by NervousAsexual



Category: Nero Wolfe - Rex Stout
Genre: Archie is bi and you can fight me on that, Bisexuality, Major Character Injury, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 16:59:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11406681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: Nero Wolfe awakes to a terrible noise in the middle of the night.





	Noises After Dark

It was the habit of Nero Wolfe to sleep from the time he went to bed to the time he got up in the morning, barring, of course, the odd midnight call from Archie or one of the Teers. So it was with significant displeasure that he awoke one night to a most terrible noise coming from down the hall.

What it sounded like was crying, and there would certainly be none of that in his home.

"Cease that blasted racket!" he shouted off into the darkness, and the noise grew softer and then stopped.

"At last," he grumbled to himself, fluffing the pillows around him and tossing aside his novel, which had settled on his belly when he'd dozed off. He was nearing sleep once again when he was struck by a troubling thought.

Fritz, he recalled, had taken the night off to meet and presumably carouse with former friends from the military, and Theodore was asleep in the orchid room, too far away to be heard if he did cry.

The logical explanation, he concluded, was that Archie had brought a woman into the house. And if there was one thing Nero Wolfe hated having in his house more than crying, it was women.

"Archie!" he bellowed, leaping to his feet and vigorously pressed at the buzzer. It could plainly be heard to ring upstairs. "Archie, I want you now!"

To be sure his point was clear he continued to ring the buzzer until at last he saw movement in the hallway and Archie slinked up to the door.

"Yeah?" he demanded. "What do you want?"

"You've brought a woman into this house!"

Archie gave a sigh that was heavy with exasperation and rubbed his forehead, half turning back into the hall. "Not recently, no. Would you like me to fetch one?"

"Then who was making that godforsaken crying?"

Archie said nothing for a moment. "I don't know what you're talkin' about, Wolfe."

"Rubbish! My sleep was disturbed by some person's crying and I demand to know who."

Again Archie was silent and, after a brief moment of rage, Wolfe realized that this was significant.

"Turn the light on, Archie," he said. "I can't see you in this dark."

"You're closer to the lights than I am. Turn them on yourself."

"I do not pay your salary to put up with your yammering. Put on the lights!"

Archie sighed again and crossed the room. He put on the lamp that sat atop the bedside table and stood in silence, looking back at the door.

Nero Wolfe could not see very much of Archie's face. What he could see did not bode well.

"Archie."

"Yeah, boss."

"I want to see your face."

Archie laughed mirthlessly and looked over at him. He'd obviously scrubbed his face well but washing would do nothing to hide the scrapes on his chin and forehead and nose, nor the eye that was swelled up larger than he'd ever seen it before.

"My god, man."

"That's nothing. You should see the other guy."

"He looks worse than you, does he?"

"No," Archie admitted, "but I think I hurt his pride."

"I find it difficult to believe that you were unable to protect yourself from a single man."

Archie nodded slowly. "That's fair. There were more like... two... three... seven of them."

"And what did you do to provoke these men? If I recall we are not on a case and you have no reason to be antagonizing anyone."

"Not purposely, no. I forgot that people don't always take kindly to advances from... men of a certain nature."

It was a rare occasion when Nero Wolfe could think of nothing to say, but this was one such occasion.

"Turns out they like it even less if you show some interest in the ladies. It's bad enough to be a... fraternally-minded gentleman without having it both ways."

Wolfe dedicated his stare to the bookshelf across the room.

"If you'd like to pay me off in the morning I'd recommend bringing Saul in. He's not nearly as charming or as easy to please as I am but he'll make a good enough assistant."

"What are you blathering about now?"

"Paying me off. Write me my last check. Forcibly ejecting me from the house. Most gentlemen of your... stature don't care to keep company with a friend of Dorothy."

"I haven't the foggiest idea what you're saying and I have no patience for your confounded metaphors," Wolfe snapped. "Stop with this nonsense about Saul and assistants and turn the light off."

"It's even more suspicious to be alone in the dark with an avowed bachelor," Archie said, but he did as told.

"Fooey. And I will expect, of course, that you will sleep in my room tonight, on the chance that these unpleasantly violent friends of yours have followed you here."

"What, you want me to drag the cot in here?"

"And stumble over it in the morning? No. There is plenty of room in the bed."

For a moment the only sound was Archie's breathing.

"You gotta be kidding me," he said at last.

"I am not. Now are you going to do as I say or not?"

He moved to the far side of the bed and waited. He did not wait terribly long. The bed shifted as Archie climbed in. They lay in silence.

"Archie?"

"Yeah."

"It was you crying, wasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Because it hurts?"

"Well, it sure doesn't feel like a kiss."

After a bit Archie's breathing slowed, but Nero Wolfe lay awake, staring at the ceiling and trying to wrap his genius brain around these new developments.


End file.
